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How do you stop the spread of AIDS?
Let a major record label distribute it.

On a pitch dark night, a rabbit and a snake accidentally bumped into each other in the woods. Since it was too dark to see, they tried to identify each other by touch. The snake said, "You're warm, fuzzy, and you have big ears . . . you must be a rabbit!" The rabbit said, "You're cold, slimy, and you have no ears . . . you must be a record producer!"

How do you get two guitarists to play in tune?
Shoot one.

Why did the lead singer cross the road?
'Cause the drummer wandered off again.

What's the difference between an electric bass and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.

What does the stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?
Drops him off at band practice.

Why is a laundromat a bad place for a musician to pick up women?
 Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

 What separates roadies from the homeless?
The laminates.

Why can't a sound guy count to three?
Because you lift things on three.

Three guys, a bass player, guitar player and drummer go into a strip joint. When a dancer came over to their table the bass player took out a $20 bill, licked it and stuck it to her ass.
Not to be outdone, the guitar player took out a $50 bill, licked it and stuck it next to the twenty. The drummer thought for a second, pulled out his ATM card, swiped it down her ass crack, grabbed the $70 bucks and went home.

Saint Peter was greeting people at the gates to Heaven. "What did you do on Earth" he asked one man. "I was a doctor." Saint Peter says, "Great, go right through the gates and on down the golden streets. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher" said the next person. "Wonderful", said Saint Peter, "go right on through the Pearly Gates. Next! and what did you do on Earth?" "I was a soundman" Saint Peter said: "Go around the side, up the freight elevator and through the kitchen."

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

A soundman died and was met by an angel at the gates to heaven. "I've got good news and bad news", the angel said. "The good news is you get to do sound on the best equipment for the rest of eternity. You will never have to re-eq the room and no one will ever ask for more in the monitors. The bad news is St. Peter has a girlfriend and he thinks she can sing."

The concert was a a huge venue and load-in was going well so the soundman stopped by the hospitality tent for some refreshment. After a short while he got up, went to the front of the tent, stuck his head out and shouted:" Green goes up!" and went back to his seat. After another few minutes he got up, stuck his head out and shouted: "Green goes up" and resumed his seat. The bartender watched all this and finally had to inquire. "Well you see", said the soundman, "I have a crew of roadies out there placing trees around the stage and every so often I have to remind them that the green part goes on the top."

What do u call a musician with no girlfriend?
 Homeless.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to pull the drumsticks out of his ass.

Why did the drummer stare at the carton of orange juice?
It said concentrate.

What's the difference between a musician, and a pig?
A pig won't stay up all night trying to sleep with a musician!!!

What did the deadhead say when he ran out of pot?
Oh wow, this band really does suck.

Whatddaya call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
The Drummer.

A man was in a graveyard and he heard the sound of a pencil eraser. It was coming from Mozarts grave. So he dug him up and there he was, decomposing.

What do you do when a musician knocks on your door?
Give him the money and take the pizza.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the drums, but chooses not to.

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth? The stage is level.

What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a clarinet.

What should you do if you ever get caught in a room with Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussain and Kenny G. and you have a gun, but only two bullets???? Shoot Kenny G. twice just to make sure!

The ultimate optomist: An accordianist with a pager.

What's the difference between a banjo player and a mutual fund? Eventually the mutual fund will mature and make money.

One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why do bands need Roadies?
To translate what the drummer says.

How are guitar players like linoleum?
Lay them once and you can walk on them forever.

Two drummers walk into a bar... which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.

What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagen?
Farfromthinken

A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumor that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?" Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up. A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?" "No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone. Ten minutes later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said. She recognized his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone. Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked. Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!" He thought for a moment, and said: "I just love hearing you say it."

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality!

Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?" "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Yeah. How'd you know?" "This is a travel agency."

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveler is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"       "Bass solo."

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but only after asking "Why?"

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug the vacuum in before it sucks.

If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money? The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

A lady walks into a store and tell the man behind the counter she would like some musician brains. "Alright" he says, "What kind?". "How much do they cost?" she asks. "Well, those there are trumpeters at $5 a pound, those are french horns at $7 a pound, and those are conductors' at $10 a pound." He replies. "What are those way back there?" she asks. "Those are drummers brains. They cost $100 a pound." He replies. "GOODNESS!!", she exclaims, "Why are they so expensive?" "Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of brains?!?!".

What is the difference between a chiropodist and a drummer? 
A chiropodist bucks up your feet!!

What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?
 A really dumb gorilla!!!

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" 
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They have a machine to do that now.

Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it!

Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me either.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds: "No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."

#1: How can you make a drummer slow down?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
#2: How can you make that drummer stop?
Put notes on it!

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.

A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings." The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?" "I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings." The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?" "Yeah! How did you know man?" "This is a fish and chip shop."

Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up! Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.

How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up and slows down.

How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in.

Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car?
It took him two hours to get the drummer out....

How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them. He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..." SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..." SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..." SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..." SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling. Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside. "So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"

What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Drool.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

What did the professional guitarist say when he got to his job?
"Would you like fries with that?"

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the guitarist has to show him how first.

Did you hear about the bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

A singer, a guitar player, a good drummer, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it? Theguitar player, because: 1.No singer is going anywhere for only 100 dollars. 2.There's no such thing as a good drummer. 3.The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about

How do you tell the difference between a singer and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

What's the difference between a guitar player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

How do you make a guitar sound like a bass?
Rip two stings off and play a lot of wrong notes.

What do you call twenty-five drummers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand

Johnny comes home from school, and says to his mom, "Mommy, I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!" Johnny's mom says, "Very good, son. That's because you're a drummer." Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!" And his mom says, "Excellent. That's because you're a drummer." The next day, Johnny comes home and says, "Mommy, the teacher measured everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that 'cause I'm a drummer?" His mom shakes her head and says, "No, honey; that's because you're twenty-six."

A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"

What's the range on a fretless bass?
About a hundred feet if you get a good enough swing on it.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the drums but doesn't.

Did you hear about the drummer that put a skylight in his apartment?
His neighbors upstairs were pissed.

What is the difference between a drummer and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What has three legs and an asshole?
A drum stool.

What's the first thing a girl singer does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.

What's the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

Why are guitarist's fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

Why do drummers want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why do singers name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

What is gross stupidity?
144 drummers in one room.

A guitar player and a drummer were strolling down the street when the guitar player exclaimed, "how sad -a dead bird." The drummer looked up and said, "where?

***Yes that's right. Eveybody busts on the drummers of the world but to the best of my knowledge never from this angle:

•Yo drumma so stupid you have to dig for his IQ!
•Yo drumma so stupid he got run over by a parked car.
•Yo drumma so stupid it takes him an hour to cook minute rice.
•Yo drumma so stupid he got locked in a grocery store and starved!
•Yo drumma so stupid that he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
•Yo drumma so stupid he could trip over a cordless phone!
•Yo drumma so stupid he sold his car for gas money!
•Yo drumma so stupid he bought a solar-powered flashlight!
•Yo drumma so stupid he thinks a quarterback is a refund!
•Yo drumma so stupid he took a cup to see Juice.
•Yo drumma so stupid he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
•Yo drumma so stupid he got stabbed in a shoot out.
•Yo drumma so stupid he took a spoon to the superbowl.
•Yo drumma so stupid he took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
•Yo drumma so stupid when you stand next to him you hear the ocean!
•Yo drumma so stupid he jumped out the window and went up.
•Yo drumma so stupid he took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
•Yo drumma so stupid it take him a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
•Yo drumma so stupid it take him a week to get rid of a 24hr virus.
•Yo drumma so stupid it take him a day to cook a 3 minute egg!
•Yo drumma so stupid he thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

What's the difference between a drummer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

How do you tell if a drummer is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.

What is the difference between a world war and a drum solo?
The drum solo causes more suffering.

What is the difference between a drummer and a prostitute?
Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

What is the difference between a drummer and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

What's the difference between a double bass drum kit and a single bass drum kit?
The double bass burns hotter.

A drummer and a singer are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The singer. Business before pleasure.

What's the difference between a drummer and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

What is the ideal weight for a drummer?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

What's the difference between a drummer and a baby?
A baby sucks fingers.

"Mom," said the daughter, "can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?" "Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think drummers are made?"

Did you hear about the drummer that was found frozen to death in his car at a drive-in movie theater?
He went to see "Closed for the Winter".

A drummer is walking down the street with a pig under his arm. He passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" The pig says, "I won it in a raffle!"

What did the drummer do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
He moved.

Ever ask a drummer to count to 5?

The most intelligent joke a bassist ever told: "Ok, you're riding down the hill in a 3 wheeled canoe, so how many hamburgers does it take to fill a dog house? 3, because there's no bones in ice cream."

How many lead singers does it take to screw in a light bulb??
One...He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Out of all the musicians in an orchestra, why do French Horn players have such a high rate of divorce? Every time they kiss their wife, they try to stuff their fist up her ass. 

What's the difference between a taxi cab and a drummer?
A taxi cab only has to carry one person at a time.

A four piece rock bands in the middle of showcase where the A&R guys are feverishly fighting over who's going to sign them once they get off stage.  The band is trying to play it cool but if we could only read what's on their minds.  The lead singer is thinking: "I'll be on the cover of Rolling Stone and they'll be publishing books of my poetry, this is the best day of my life"  The guitarist is thinking:  "I can buy a room full of vintage guitars and some of the best heroin money can buy.  I am so lucky."  The drummer is thinking:  "Finally, we can afford roadies to carry these fucking drums everywhere and we can get some good looking groupies.Yeah."  The bassist is thinking 'D... D... F..F.... D..."

What's the difference between god and a sound guy???
God doesn't think he can run sound.

How do you get a pop singers eyes to light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How can you tell there is a lead singer at your door? 
He can never find the right key and doesn't know when to come in.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the music.

What is the least uttered phrase in the English language?
There goes the bass player's Ferrari.

How can a musician retire with a million dollars?
By starting out with two million.

What's the difference between Kenny G and a gattling gun?
The gattling gun stops repeating after a thousand rounds.

 


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